I’ve been reflecting a lot lately on my expectations for my life, and how so much of my life now is simply unexpected, it’s not how I imagined it. It’s not bad, I wouldn’t change it, I’m in a really good season right now. But it’s just not what I expected.

For instance, the realization that I will more than likely–unless something dramatic happens in the next six months–not marry in my twenties is something new and unfamiliar. The thought of navigating my life as a grown-up without a life partner, the thought of beginning my academic career as a single woman and publishing under my maiden name–all of it is a bit daunting. There is a new type of longed-for stability I’m finding in my life, but I’m also beginning to see a new decade of uncertainty begin to uncurl before me, like a fern frond.

I was thumbing through my journal, reading my thoughts from nearly one year ago, and I wanted to share this with you. I wrote it when I was on vacation in Sweden. It’s about Jesus’ close friendship with two women–Mary and Martha–and their experience of what happens when Jesus is later than we expected.

27 July, 2018

Hälsningar från Sverige! I’m outside on Maddie’s mom’s balcony, it’s like 80°, I’m in the shade, there’s a nice breeze coming through the trees. I am so relaxed. So happy.

John 11:40 NRSV – Jesus said to her, “Did I not tell you that if you believed, you would see the glory of God?” 

This is from the raising of Lazarus, when everyone doubted Jesus – He came too late, He wasn’t powerful enough to save him from death, all these things. Jesus’ relationships with Mary and Martha were so individual and special. He let Mary anoint His feet and wash them, so intimately. She loved Him so much. And he had such an affirming, teaching conversation with Martha. She trusted Him too, just like Mary.

John 11:21-22 NRSV – Martha said to Jesus, “Lord, if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But even now, I know that God will give you whatever you ask Him.” 

Despite bitter disappointment, Martha still submitted humbly to Jesus’ authority, trusting that she would see God’s glory. Trusting Jesus completely, she saw her expectations far exceeded. The upset, the weeping, the disappointment that Jesus didn’t save Lazarus from dying was totally worth the better, more glorious plan God had in mind for her.

I feel that “lateness,” that disappointment. The place I find myself in in my life now is so strange and different from what I thought it would be. But despite the disappointment–singleness, joblessness–I still trust and submit to Jesus. He is my intimate friend and I know God is pleased with me through Christ. I entrust myself to Him fully.

When it seems like God is late, when He’s delaying, He’s actually already arranged to maximize His glory in the situation. My life is to be about squeezing out every last drop of God’s glory. It always has been. I didn’t choose a path that would be a normal career path. The demand for theologians is nonexistent, career-wise. But in the Kingdom, I’m an important part of the Body, and I have to fulfill my purpose, faithfully, joyfully, so the Body can function. God is taking care of me.

What I think is the most beautiful part of the story is not simply that Lazarus was raised from the dead, but that Mary and Martha, in the midst of their pain, they knew Jesus, and they loved Him, they trusted Him. They were able to step out of the pain that could’ve incapacitated them, that could’ve wounded them and broken their hearts, and they let Jesus bring forth what He had already planned–to maximize His glory.

Don’t you think that when Mary and Martha saw such an unbelievable sight–their once-dead brother now alive again–that they were grateful they trusted Jesus even in their disappointment, even in the midst of confusion and pain so great it was even hard to breathe?

Maybe Jesus isn’t late, but He’s simply asking us to wait. He wants to show His glory in our lives.